Thursday, November 30, 2006

seriously sweet

I really enjoyed getting this in my e-mail inbox this morning.


(Click for a larger view.)

A Ring vs. An Award

I'm pretty sure most baseball fans would want Albert Pujols on their team. Well, he's on my team, but I don't want him acting like this. I mean, he's an amazing player, but for whatever reasons, more baseball writers voted Ryan Howard the MVP. Probably had something to do with Philadelphia having a slightly better record or Howard's performance in the Home Run Derby. And, perhaps. the baseball world expects consistent greatness from Pujols and was glad to see another likeable guy playing hard and producing for his team. Plus votes were cast before the playoffs, which means plenty of baseball writers probably thought the Cardinals weren't even going to make the postseason. Regardless, Pujols needs to be happy with his World Series ring and use the healthy competition to be even better. He's said many time he plays for the team and not for individual recognition. Well, time to act like it.

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic (AP) -- Albert Pujols thinks he was snubbed.

The St. Louis Cardinals' slugger is upset he lost out to Philadelphia's Ryan Howard for the National League MVP award, saying Wednesday the honour should go to someone on a playoff team. "I see it this way: Someone who doesn't take his team to the playoffs doesn't deserve to win the MVP," Pujols said in Spanish at a news conference organized by the Dominican Republic's sports ministry.

Pujols led the Cardinals to the NL Central title this year and their first World Series championship since 1982. Howard and the Phillies missed the playoffs -- though they won two more regular-season games than St. Louis did.

The Dominican-born Pujols batted .331 with 49 home runs and 137 RBIs, while Howard hit .313 with 58 homers and 149 RBIs.

Howard got 20 first-place votes for MVP and 388 points in balloting by a panel of the Baseball Writers' Association of America. Pujols received 12 first-place votes and 347 points. Voting is conducted before the post-season.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Surprise! It's Christmastime!

I put up our Christmas tree Sunday night. Decorating the tree while wearing a tank top is a little unseasonal for Kentucky, but I wanted to get myself in the holiday spirit despite the warm late November. I was in for another surprise: I forgot I bought a new 7 1/2-foot pre-lit tree last year after Christmas. It was in the three pieces -- ONLY THREE PIECES -- and it already had nice white lights on it. They all worked (it is the first year!) and the branches were easy to shape. What a nice surprise I gave myself. See what a year can do to my brain?! I also made a list, realizing I had more gifts than I initially thought already bought. I like buying presents while on vacation or other random times throughout the year. People get better gifts that way because it means I thought about them while shopping for the sake of shopping and not to check them off a list. Wrapping is coming later this week.

Soap star is still ‘small-town girl’

I like my job because I get to do something different every day. I don't even mind the government meetings. But it's nice to have a break to do something a little more light-hearted. Lets me write a little differently and use the creative side of my brain a bit more.

Well, Monday, I got to interview a soap opera actress. I don't watch soap operas -- like the daytime ones. I realize "Grey's Anatomy" isn't far off, but I like to call it a primetime drama! -- but I like to meet "famous people." Famous is relative, I know. Anyway, Chrishell Stause is a Murray State grad and spent her high school years in nearby Marshall County.

And she also brough along her boyfriend -- Broadway actor Matt Morrison. While Googling, I found more professional headshots of him, but I really like this one better. Plus it's most what he looked like yesterday. He was nominated for a Tony Award. I'm not much into Broadway. I mean, I saw "Man of La Mancha" when I was in New York, but I don't follow the actors or anything. But I know even being mentioned in connection with a Tony Award is the real thing. Now he's filming a movie with Steve Carell. (But he's never seen "The Office.")

So Chrishell was down-to-earth and seemed to relieved to be sharing stories with people sitting right where she sat not too long ago. She was funny and grateful. I wasn't star struck like I would be with bigger names, but I really enjoyed seeing a slice of the world through her stories.

I also thought about how this is a very big world with lots of people and lots of places, but in the end everyone is someone trying to live out their dream and become who they want to become, despite their imperfections, hurdles and fears. Some people just choose to do it in New York and Los Angeles while others stick a little closer to home with a lower profile.

Here's my story that ran in today's paper:

By KRISTIN TAYLOR
Staff Writer

Chrishell Stause doesn’t expect people to recognize her from “All My Children,” but she seemed flattered when people from her home in western Kentucky asked questions specific to the soap opera plot line.

A 2003 Murray State graduate and Marshall County native, Stause spoke Monday afternoon in MSU’s Johnson Theatre for an informal forum which gave people a chance to ask her about her career and allowed the actress to share her inside look into Hollywood. She also visited with four theatre classes during her two-day campus visit.

Stause has played the manipulative Amanda Dillon on the daytime series since May 4, 2005 — when Dillon returned to Pine Valley after a five-year absence. Previously, actress Alexis Manta played the character.

Stause lives in New York City, where she films the soap opera. It’s also where she met her actor/boyfriend Matt Morrison, who was nominated for a Tony Award for his role in the operatic “The Light in the Piazza.”

“By no means is there fan fare when I walk down the street. That’s ridiculous,” Stause told about 60 people in the audience Monday. “It’s rewarding when someone notices, but I don’t expect people to know. I don’t expect people to watch.”

Under contract for another 2 1/2 years, Stause brings home a steady paycheck and is learning that acting for television is different than the stage performances she grew accustomed to while attending Murray State. Before graduating, she portrayed Cecily in “The Importance of Being Earnest,” Shelby in “Steel Magnolias” and Mina in “Dracula.”

Knowing she wanted to be an actress, Stause planned to go to UCLA to get an education while learning the Los Angeles ways. But then she learned how expensive attending the California school would be, so she settled for a couple years at Murray State. That turned into four full years and a degree before she moved to L.A. to follow her dream.

There, she spent a year auditioning for roles before she finally landed her spot on “All My Children.”

At first, Amanda Dillon was just a manipulative character, but since has evolved. Stause said Dillon still has an edge but some story lines have given the audience a reason to have some sympathy, especially after fans of the soap opera recently saw Dillon’s mother, nicknamed “Janet from Another Planet.”

The show films a month in advance of what airs on ABC and the story line determines Stause’s schedule. Her best off-the-screen friends are cast mates Alexa Havins (who plays Babe Chandler), Connie Fletcher (Erin Lavery) and Melissa Claire Egan (Annie McDermott). Then there’s longtime soap star Susan Lucci, who Stause described as tiny, very funny and gracious.
Soap operas have a lot of emotion. Stause recalled the day she filmed scenes about the death of her television father. The on-camera mourning affected her off the set slightly — even though her head knows to separate it.

“Even though I’m acting, it’s still me, but my body doesn’t always get that,” she said.

Then there was the first day on her first professional job. Her wardrobe was scarce, as the limited clothing could be held up between two fingers. She bared much to the audience in her first on-screen introduction to the world. “I kept thinking, ‘Man, my grandma is going to see this,’” she said.

While making the transition from theater to television, she still holds dreams of returning to the stage one day, and she’s thinking the transition might be a bit smoother. In TV, rehearsing for long periods of time isn’t part of the process and camera close-ups catch more details than an audience would ever notice on stage.

So she dropped a hint to David Balthrop, who chairs MSU’s theatre and dance department: There should be a TV elective that allows students to see themselves through a camera.

“I felt a little unprepared when it came to being on camera,” Stause told the audience of mostly students. “... You’re going to hate your voice and the things you do, but it’s worth learning.”

Off the set, Stause has rubbed shoulders with famous people at charity events — one of which was where she met Morrison more than a year ago.

“I am still a small-town girl, but I’ll look over and say, ‘There’s Katie Couric,’” Stause told her hometown audience.

So what does Stause miss from her western Kentucky home? Food. During her few days in town, she’s eaten at O’Charley’s and Chick-fil-A in Paducah, as well as Tom’s Grille, Cracker Barrel and Los Portales locally.

During the forum, someone brought up another hometown actress, but Stause said there was no comparison to Murray native who plays Delinda Deline on NBC’s “Las Vegas.” “If she was here, the room would be packed. I’m not Molly Sims.”

Monday, November 27, 2006

Thankful


For me Thanksgiving was about a break this year. I escaped my daily routine and appreciated those around me. You all know how I feel about this beautiful girl. Milla is just two months shy of being 3 years old. We played and talked and certainly laughed. And the weather was so nice we got to be outside -- and she picked one of Mom's flowers. I'm thankful for her innocence, sweet spirit, playful ways, sponge-like mind and independence.




Earlier this month, the Taylor threw Papaw a surprise party for his 80th birthday. Here's a couple pictures from the event. I am thankful at 80th Papaw still keeps the family -- including the in-laws like me -- laughing.


And, a bit delayed, here is a snapshot of Jaclyn and I with Sarah at her reception in Illinois a few weeks after her California wedding. I was thankful she put back on that beautiful dress.

Friday, November 24, 2006

seriously, exciting

I always think blogging about my blog is sort of pointless. I mean, people who see it will see it. Duh. I want to tell you, those who see the return to an old look with new features, how excited I am that I can now categorize my posts. Seriously, I was always jealous of that feature on typepad and others. Yes, that's just how anal I am.

Now, it's a really slow day at work, so I started going back and categorizing past entries. But I think I'm going to stop. I went back through this month and October. October seems like a nice place to start. But, no worries, from here on out, the posts will be categorized in case you are only interested in one category of my life. You ask: How many catergories are there? Well, that's still to be determined. So far there are 20, but that's too much of a nice, round number and I'm more complicated than that. I am certain there will be others.

In fact, after all this babble, I think I'll add another category: blog. Rather appropriate, I suppose.

speaking about me

If I had a narrator in life, this is what she would say ...

Wednesday was a good day for Kristin. First of all, she got to sleep in. Then she stayed in her PJs -- the most comfortable pair of sweatpants she owns and a worn tank top -- until well past lunch. She watched reruns of silly shows and scrapbooked. Some might want to call her lazy, but really she rested her mind and caught up on life. That afternoon she and Greg watched the UK basketball game, even though it tested her patience with Joe Crawford and Ramel Bradley.

Then she ate a good Cracker Barrel meal and went to see "Stranger than Fiction" with her laid-back husband. In addition to enjoying the story, Kristin kept thinking about how much she liked Maggie Gyllenhaal's hair and character. Then they stayed up later than usual playing Scrabble and watching basketball. She really was glad Gonzaga beat UNC -- and looked good doing it without Adam Morrison.

Therapist: You have a voice speaking to you.
Harold Crick: About me. Accurately... and with a better vocabulary.


More sleeping in came Thursday morning. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to Kristin. Greg's grandma prepared a great meal for lunch and then everybody hung around playing cards and watching football and basketball. The games really weren't that interesting, but more down time was good, even though it was a little hot in Nana's house.

Kristin got home just as "Survivor" was coming on. Then she snuggled in the couch for a night of TV ... "Grey's Anatomy," "CSI." But then she had to go to bed, putting the brief break behind her, so she could come to work this morning.

But sleep didn't come easy. She thought of the down time. She compared families (which is never a healthy thing to do!) and realized she might feel stuck between where she came and those she sees the most. Neither feels just right. Perhaps it's where she is right now. Perhaps she wants them -- all of them -- to understand a little more of why she is who she is and where she wants to be.

She finally drifted to sleep, knowing another break is soon to follow. In fact, she's leaving this afternoon for a weekend in Louisville.

Ana Pascal: Did you like the cookies?
Harold Crick: Yes. Thank you for forcing me to eat them.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

these scars upon my sleeve still casting out my pearls

No parachutes or safety nets here
One foot on the water to face these fears
Coming out strong like i can’t be wrong
I said eh, I wont fall in the middle

--Mat Kearney in "In the Middle"

We went to a free concert Sunday night and it was good. Taking chances on new music during free concerts is a pretty safe bet. If it's terrible, I can just leave and not feel obligated to stay. If it's good, I got to be entertained for free.

This time: It was good.

Mat Kearney reminds me of a cross between Counting Crows and Jack Johnson. Interesting, I know, but it's true. Also, Griffin House (That's the guys name ... interesting, huh?) opened the show and he pulled me in with his lyrics and his gutiar playing.

And, here's the thing: Mat Kearney is going to be back in Murray in February. This time with John Mayer. (That's not free!)

Monday, November 20, 2006

By birth ... The Intellectual

An interesting e-mail forward I received this morning. I took a few minutes to find my birth number -- and it seems pretty accurate. Figure yours and let me know what it is. Then I can analyze whether I think it's right!

Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing. To figure out your birth number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit.

Example:
March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2

Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.


#1 THE ORIGINATOR
1's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem.

Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are ve ry popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.

Famous 3's: Alan Alder, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Karen Roundbutt, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster.

#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey.

#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is the ir school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail.

#6 THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn.

#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
7 's are the searchers. Always pr obing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what is not in the world at large.

Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana.

#8 THE BIG SHOT
8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms th at they are the boss! They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.

Famous 8's: Edgar Cayce, Barbara Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus.

#9 THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.

Famous 9's: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley.

Friday, November 17, 2006

adopting rejuvenated hope

My life has been busy lately. (This translates into: I've written many stories lately.) But my head and heart also have been busy. (This translates into: Thinking, thinking and more thinking.)

So, here I go ...

It's no secret by now that Greg and I have been hoping, trying, praying for a baby. For going on two years now, we've wished for pregnancy. Well, our hearts have been turned in a different direction lately.

The sweet man who specializes in infertility treatments in Nashville ran some tests via blood work that determined there are several little problems, thanks to polycystic ovarian disease and endometriosis. The most basic explanation is my body doesn't make enough of the right hormones to sustain my eggs. So if I were to get pregnant, I'd have to have hormone supplements too.

I'm sick (no pun intended) of going to doctors. And keep in mind I have some pretty great doctors. I'm really tired of getting my blood drawn. My calendar is numbered with the days of my cycle.

So Greg and I are taking a new focus. We're pursuing a private adoption. Now, when I say this, we're just starting. Obviously the big thing is finding a birth mother. So far I've been reading a book, talking to people and enjoying a renewed sense of peace. We have a couple of attorney friends who have given some initial advice. And next week I'm going to start making some calls.

Back tracking ... I read another book. Defining our own financial and emotional boundaries was the best thing I took from those pages. I thought about whether I wanted to be pregnant or start a family. Without hestitation we want to start a family, and for us opening our home (and hearts) to a baby who needs a home seemed to fit that.

For me, in-vetro fertilization wasn't something I physically, emotionally or financially wanted to endure -- especially knowing it might not work. I decided (and Greg agreed) that if Dr. Vasquez (aka (the specialist) said that option gave us the best odds, then we'd turn out attention to adoption -- something that has always intrigued me anyway. It's like God was preparing me weeks in advance because that's exactly where Tuesday's appointment.

Uncertainty has been the hardest part of this. Now, we've gotten small answers about my body (and Greg's) along the way. And, sure, information is good. While I'm not giving up hope of getting pregnant, I am refocusing my energies on having a family ... one step at time.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

All Will Be Well

I really loved this song at the end of "What About Brian" last night.

The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win
but if I lose, ooh, I don't know
I'll be tired but I will turn and I will go
Only guessing 'til I get there then I'll know
Ohh, I will know

And all the children walking home past the factories
Can see the light that's shining in my window
As I write this song to you
And all the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell


The winter's cold
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know
That all will be well
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well

...

You got to keep it up
And don't give up
And chase your dreams
And you will find
All in time

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

--The Gabe Dixon Band

Friday, November 10, 2006

Closer to Fine

I'm trying to tell you something about my life. Maybe give me insight between black and white. And the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life after all. ...

So a drunk Jim joined in singing part of an Indigo Girls song on "The Office" last week. I just watched it this week, so I realize I'm a week behind. But, man, that totally made me laugh.

And, by the way, I totally hope he and Pam get back together -- much like Meredith and Derek finally kissing on "Grey's Anatomy" last night. Nobody can start over completely, but people can start refreshed building on the history they have.

... I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains. I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains. There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line. And the less I seek my source for some definitive (the less I seek my source) the closer I am to fine.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

beautiful self-disclosure

Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries. Trouble me on the days when you feel spent. Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong? ... Speak to me, why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me when your silence is my greatest fear? ... Spare me? Don't spare me anything troubling. ...

It's a beautiful, beautiful day. The sun is shining and I feel at peace with my life even though I feel like there is much going on around me.

Yesterday I had two unexpected conversations with people -- one was with my favorite nurse and the other was with one of Greg's aunts. I self-disclosed some and they shared some, just about life and how we got to where we are.

Sometimes I think I self-disclose too much. I probably don't help my cause with a blog, but it's therapuetic for me in ways the quiet people don't understand. Words can be healing.

Speak to me and let our words build a shelter from the storm. ... Trust is what I'm offering if you trouble me. --10,000 Maniacs in "Trouble Me"

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

hobby: a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation

I am not too fond of that term "catching up" -- it directly implies that you are behind in some way or another. Who needs that pressure? This is supposed to be fun and relaxing and enjoyable -- not something that adds stress to our lives. ... I scrapbook yesterday & today & tomorrow in no particular order. For me, it is more about the story I want to tell at the time. Sometimes that is from long ago and other times it is right now. And what is tomorrow scrapbooking? It is capturing my own emotions about the future - thinking ahead, daydreaming, wondering, etc. Simply another way of expressing myself that makes me scrapbooks even more valuable to me. --Ali Edwards

Scrapbooking is about creating and making and playing for me. (OK, I admit, my pages are usually in chronological order. But the last page I did -- in August -- was about my wishes written as a letter to my unconceived baby.)

Until this weekend, I had scrapbooked in at least a couple months. I really hadn't had much time, but I also wasn't inspired. Then I went on vacation. And then I went to an all-day crop. (That's a scrapbooking word for an event where lots of people gather with their pictures and projects and work on being creative.)

I'm thankful I found some inspiration.

I told myself when I adopted this hobby two and a half years ago (or so) that it was going to be just that. I love projects and details and figuring out how to put things together, but I wasn't going to stress out about scrapbooking. Now, I have a little on-the-side business with Michael making scrapbooks from his sports pictures for players (well, really their parents), but I still enjoy doing those. So I just get paid a little for my hobby.

But just because I hadn't scrapbooked for months didn't mean I was abandoning the art. (Can I call it an art?) But rather I was waiting until I could appreciate what it does for me.

Thursday, November 2, 2006

at the beach


The waves calmed my heart. How can the sound of something crashing be soothing? And so fierce yet calming? I sat there are listened. I think I even stared. The morning sun made the water shine, saying "Welcome to a new day." Yes, a new day.

Nearby, those palm trees inspired me. There were three of them, just to my right. They framed a beautiful view of the water. They are thinner than other trees, yet they stood there so strong. I was almost obsessed with them, and I never captured my view. Not for the lack of trying, though.

Then the water pulled me back.

Where is the moment when you need it the most? You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost. ... 'Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down. You sing a sad song just to turn it around. You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie. You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ... Well you need a blue sky holiday. ...

I thought about him. How I came from him. How I'm like him. Yet how different from him I am. Then I realized we all drowned our fears and insecurities in something. Sure, some are more obvious than others, but we all disguise ourselves with something.

Imperfections haunt me. I try so hard not to have them. But, truth be told, we all do. I think about their imperfections. Those are the things that make me want to hug them across the miles. And those are the same things that make me want to scream. But we all create. We make messes. We make people smile. We make people cry. And we make other people.


And scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far. Did you lose yourself somewhere out there? Did you get to be a star? And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?

The idea we have scars is intriguing. We're flawed. But isn't that what eventually makes us beautiful?

And then there are our desires. We take risks to become who we think we should become. We make decisions aimed at achieving something. But we all still strive to become more ... do more ... live more. We take on new roles, and we wonder what we'll make of the next.

And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

I thought about a baby while I looked out at the water. But I wasn't sad this time. Maybe I won't create my own. But maybe one day I can love one as my own. I drew boundaries within myself, like lines in the sand. I'm sure they'll become blurred when waves of anticipation sweep over my hope. But still, adoption is appealling to me, and I have to remember options are options. And having them is a good thing.

...No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten.

Thankfully, the rest is still to come. Those waves will still crash to the shore, refreshing and cleansing along the way. I'll still stare off at possibility and wonder how I got here. But maybe I can give up the resentment I have toward him, embrace what they created despite their imperfections and know a beautiful plan is being weaved together. Yes, I'll keep that blanket of hope close because life gets cool sometimes -- even at the beach.

When I got home I took a walk in the leaves, and remembered there are definitely seasons for everything.